Id Driven Thoughts

I feel like my radio cut out just before ground control thought to tell me that my ship is going to crash…

Not even out of February yet and 2012 has already been an almost surreal battle between my consciousness and physicality…

I thought I’d managed to get out of my head.

It is apparent to me now that instead of doing just that; I in fact created a much more complex labyrinth of distractions, traps, and dead ends for myself.

Not even a third of the way through the year and I’m already feeling batty.

I guess that theory people have had about me … fuck it

I’ve actually had to go back to writing in notebooks and on paper since nothing is safe in space anymore. Things have been strange, frustrating, and amusing all together. I’m just going with the flow right now, which is really hard for someone as neurotic as me, but we’ll see what happens. I’ve already resigned myself to the attitude that no matter what happens at least I had fun while it lasted…

Balls…

I was going through some bags and boxes of papers and notebooks and came across one of the three tape recorders I have been trying to locate (ok I wasn’t trying that hard, it was more like one of those fleeting - hmm I wonder where those tape recorders are - moments). I found one a couple of months ago, this one today, so there’s only one still MIA. After finding this one I’m actually a bit nervous about whether or not someone else will come across the other one, because I don’t know what’s on it.

I finished transcribing the conversation (I guess it was a conversation) about an hour ago…

It’s really amazing to me that I can forget chunks of information about my life, then recall minor details with a good reminder. I would say that a video is even better than an audio recording, but I  think it really depends on the circumstances. I can’t say what was going through my mind when I decided to press record, but with the way my memory was recalled I think I used audio instead of video because of the process my brain used to remember the night. It was cool remembering things in random order and then replaying it all until the full picture was there.

The other thing that amazes me is the stuff that guys will agree to once you’ve gotten them naked; and the unbelievably strange this I’ve come up with to entertain myself. I will say that I have been involved with some weirdos lol. Any guy who can manage a hard on, a debate about technology (or anything for that matter), and my libido…has a few screws loose (in his defense - the particular guy on the tape - he was/is nanotechnology).

It’s a very bizarre thing to listen to though. It starts off in the middle of the conversation (after a brief sidebar about me turning on the recorder) with us downstairs in the living room; then upstairs where the discussion/debate/foreplay/whatever continues with ridiculous (and we knew it was ridiculous, because we were both laughing) narrations of our disrobing, finishing up the conversation while staying active, my mischievous giggling, and eventually me turning off the tape.

I would say that I don’t know what was going on with me at that time in my life, but that’s not true. I just spent a lot of time around people who didn’t stimulate me intellectually as much as I needed at the time so I overcompensated by having weird, nerd sex lol.

The really sick part is that I analyzed the debate and now feel the need to readdress and redress it in my mind, because I don’t agree 100% with my thoughts at the time. I have a different perspective anyway. I agree with what I was saying, but realize now that it wasn’t a complete argument. I also want to do something with the experience (make it into a scene, a sketch, a piece of some story, I don’t know yet).

Life can be funny…especially when you’re a bit off balance.

Yay my newest niece decided today was the day. Her mommy went into labor about an hour ago. I told her she was waiting to be a January Capricorn like me. I’m excited to meet her. I’m glad she decided to come out before I went out of town.

wasabiweed replied to your post: So I switched over to the Timeline on facebook to…

i do give pretty super hugs huh?

:-)

So I switched over to the Timeline on facebook to see what all the hoopla was about. It’s not better or worse, just different. But, it did show me stuff I’d completely forgotten about. This was a note I was tagged in like 2 years ago. I looked at my old response to this and laughed because I was obviously really mad at a lot of people then; and apparently mad at my boyfriend at the time, because everything regarding turn offs was about him lol.

I redid it earlier for shits and giggles (and procrastination) - see below -

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don’t list names):

1. “We” will happen when you stop being a big chicken.

2. It’s been way too long since I’ve gotten one of your super hugs.

3. I miss laughing with you.

4. You owe me like 9 drinks already.

5. You could have been a contender.

6. Relax.

7. I pray that you realize your self worth soon.

8. Calm down, everything is not a catastrophe.

9. Yes, we totally almost kissed lol.

10. You might be right.

Nine things about yourself:

1. I really do think the “boring nerdy stuff” I bring up is interesting.

2.  I have a paradoxical nature and am really big on balance.

3. I purposely do things to look unattractive (unflattering clothes, strange makeup/hair, etc)

4. I don’t know how to flirt, people just think I’m flirting with them for some reason.

5. I’m really that awkward (and am accidentally a slapstick genius when alone)

6. I’m a bit of a romantic (it especially shows in a romantic nationalistic sort of way)

7. I really like laying in bed or on the couch and watching movies with a kindred spirit.

8. I have OCD and its manifestations are somewhat embarrassing to me.

9. I have a bad habit of assuming that people know what I’m talking about so I speak to them in such a manner.

Eight ways to win your heart:

1. Making me laugh (it’s really important to me that’s why I said it again)

2. Personalized romantic gestures (e.g. knowing that I’m not a flowers and candy type of girl)

3. Declarations of love through song (I’m a sucker for a lot of songs that came out in the 50s - 80s and a few of 90s songs -though a song written for me would put you in high regard lol)

4. Being a great friend

5. Being able to read my face, vibes, and/or mind when speaking our thoughts is inappropriate (e.g. knowing that I am going to bite a hole in my lip trying not to laugh at something; knowing when I’m hurt, but won’t show it; etc.)

6. Public nerd out moments

7. Spontaneous day trips to new places

8. Telling me how you feel (but not all the time, because then it gets creepy lol)

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. My family

2. My friends

3. Theology

4. Philosophy

5. Story lines

6. Love

7. My general existence/worth/self improvement

Six things you wish you never did:

1. N/A

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Five turn offs in a guy/girl:

1. Unwillingness to try new things

2. Co dependency

3. Unwillingness to admit when he’s wrong

4. Lack of manners (especially being rude to others for no reason at all)

5. Says things like, “I can’t live without you” or “I’d die without you”. (If you’ve had a stalker you understand)

Four turn-ons in a guy/girl:

1. Makes me laugh (i.e. can make me laugh until my face and/or abs hurt).

2. Manly, but not a douche (meaning his manliness is natural not a macho persona)

3. Likes to have spontaneous weekend outings.

4. Always looking for the positive in everything.

Three careers you would consider:

1. Writer

2. Jedi

3. Spy

Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Do something significant

2. Fall in love with someone who’s worth it

One confession:

1. I love being on stage, but have terrible stage fright

  Hmm it’s like 9:30. I should finish that bracelet because I wanted to finish it before midnight tonight and it’s actually going to take some…oh my GOD my sister was right lol. She and I were talking about why we work better under pressure (or at least why I do, because I don’t recall her saying that she does) and she was saying that it’s because women need to create drama; and we went on to talk about ridiculous scenarios I could put myself in because I try to turn everything into an action movie plot. I guess you had to be a part of the conversation. It was pretty funny talking about the things we could come up with to break up the monotony. I love talking to my siblings though, because they are all hella funny, especially the two closest to me. I know I wouldn’t be as quick on my feet as I am if it weren’t for them. They definitely trained me in mental agility and still do. I definitely lucked out in the sibling department.I feel bad for people who don’t get alone with their brothers and/or sisters. I mean we’ve had our differences, fights, arguments, and beefs over the years, but what well adjusted family hasn’t? But overall we’re pretty close. I never question whether or not their reasons or doing or saying things are in my best interest. That’s a big deal for someone like me, because I tend to analyze everything. It’s just a comfort to know that I have that.

Reblog if your able to find something wrong in this sentence.

(via shawnisabeast)